Joshua’s Birth Story
This is a story of the journey to Joshua William Rooks. This is more than a birth story….this is a story of how God works to save his children. How in our weakness…He is made strong. How we really can soar like eagles. It has taken me almost 3 months to process that my son is actually here, earthside. That my dreams were nothing compared to what is actually happening to me. I can not fathom that I got a rainbow baby boy.
To appreciate this story completely…you have to know my OB history. After having 5 wonderful, zero risk pregnancies with my daughters…we had a 12 week miscarriage, a baby we named Esther meaning Star. We tried again immediately and conceived and lost Jeremiah, meaning God will undo the pain, at 8 weeks. We then were blessed with another little girl baby, Raychel…who is 3 years old today. We then suffered a 14 week loss, who we named Gabriel, meaning belonging to God. And soon after Gabriel came Baby Braveheart, who we lost at 17 weeks. Two months after we lost Braveheart…we lost another pregnancy at 4 weeks, Baby Love. These sweet babies came and left quietly… with no answers…these losses destroyed my faith yet, in a weird way…confirmed my faith. This “acute” part of my loss season was painful and devastating. There are so many aspects to losing babies you have never held in your arms. It is a very abstract grieving process…to grieve something you don’t have memories with. To grieve something that was part of you. To grieve your very own flesh. This acute season was gut wrenching…painful, maddening and confusing. Yet…precious. (I said “acute” earlier…because my babies in Heaven and their stories are forever in my heart. I am a Face of Loss…and as long as I live I will not forget them or their stories. But, the season has changed over the years to a gentler Face of Loss.)
After we lost Baby Love…we had the recurrent miscarriage blood work done again. I tested normal for everything. (I did have MTHFR single mutation A, which typically, they don’t treat for.) The next step was doing a scan of my uterus, which can tell if there is any damage done to it. We knew, of course, I had a transverse scar on my uterus from the twins CSection. We decided not to do the scan…we, quite frankly, were ready to end our fertility permanately.
We asked our Bible study groups and friends to pray that we were making the right choice in tying my tubes. We didn’t want to sustain another devastating loss. (We were told by a doctor after Braveheart…that this, 2nd tri loss, would happen again, if we tried again.) But, down deep we had a passion for another child. Soon after our prayers…I was doing Khloe’s 4th grade Bible curriculum with her. The story was of the Israelites … as they were standing, looking at the Promised Land. God had always been faithful to them until now…and made sure all their needs were met. Here they stood looking down at the Promised Land. Joshua and Caleb led a group of men down to The Promised Land to scope things out. When they returned the group of men were angry, “How could God lead us to this place…only for us to be destroyed by the huge men there.” Joshua and Caleb tried to change their minds by saying, “God has been faithful and He has promised us this land….He will continue to be faithful if we trust Him.” I felt at that very moment that God was whispering those exact words to me…”You are standing at the promised land….you are looking at your dreams. I have been faithful in the sad times and the happy times….I will continue to be faithful. Gather your courage, face your giants, and try again.” And this is when we decided to try for another baby.
We got pregnant mid March 2011. The very first thing I did was make an appointment with Dr. Downey. A good friend and I went to my appointment armed with a list of prescriptions I wanted to try this time. I asked for Heparin to inject, RX’d Folic Acid, and low dose aspirin. Dr. Downey agreed to my plan…and we were off!
I have to admit…during Joshua’s pregnancy…I always waited to hear the words, “I’m Sorry. Your baby no longer has a heartbeat.” I did over use my home Doppler. I did constantly obsess that something was wrong. I battled my flesh for peace. And, I quite honestly, lost the battle most days. I’m thankful for my village of other mamas who allowed me to vent my fears … and who would often times send me uplifting messages. These women and my family were the biggest reason I made it through. I’m so thankful for them.
Dr. Downey tried to ease my fears. We saw the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors, did many Non Stress Tests, and talked a lot. But, as soon as I would leave...the fears came back.
We made it to 39 weeks along! We had several choices for delivery. Steve and I prayed … and we were both at peace with scheduling a C-Section. WHY? We had no idea…we are not C-section people. And Downey was fine at letting me go longer..or even inducing me with a foley Cath. But, we had peace with a C-Section…I knew all along that I would deliver via C-section…I had that gut feeling. But, I couldn’t figure out if it was just fear or truly grounded.
12/2/2011: We arrived bright and early at Richardson Regional for our scheduled section. I was having contractions. J But, we were still at peace with our plan. My photographer, Elizabeth Boyce, arrived. Soon after that my mother in law, mom, dad and sister arrived. I was full of anxiety…because in my head…I was still feeling like there was still time for my baby to die. I kept telling the nurses that I was “jazzed” up a little bit. But, it was true anxiety…that I would leave without a baby. They put something in my IV epidural…which, made me loopy. So, I don’t remember a ton. I remember staring at the OR light…Praying over and over…begging for God’s mercy…that God would be there in the room and would guide everyone’s hands…and give the doctors wisdom. I remember once Downey got to my uterus…he kept asking me if I knew that I had a very long vertical scar in addition to my transverse bikini scar. This scar was not on my medical records…but, apparently, when the OB who did my twins Csection operated…he made two cuts. Not only was there a huge vertical scar…the skin around the scar was puckered and damaged severely. (So glad we didn’t do the scan to determine if your uterus has damage…we definitely would have decided not to try for another baby, if we would have.) He decided to use the transverse scar to get my Joshua out. And there he was…my live rainbow baby! A son! Steve said, “I love you, Kristi.” I will never forget that I Love You…it was such a heartfelt, REAL I Love You. I gave Joshua a kiss and smelled him…he was here…he was real. I had spent so much time I trying to push back the thoughts of him actually coming. I never dreamed I would actually be smelling him and feeling his warm body.
He latched on to nurse as soon as we got to recovery. I still don’t remember much here. I had a visit from my awesome doula, Kristine Tawater. And my beautiful family.
The nurses were wonderful! They moved us to a huge 2 room area…because they knew I had a large family. They were very attentive and sweet. We had a very good hospital experience.
There are still days 3mos postpartum that I still have to pinch myself. I feel restored…like an Eagle who is soaring! I am so thankful…words just can not do my story justice.
Please watch our birth slideshow:
http://www.earthmamaphotography.com/slideshow/birth_of_joshua.html
